I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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