just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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