I can text with my tongue
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
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You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
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Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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