Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
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