dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
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