WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
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I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
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So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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