When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
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stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
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i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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