Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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