So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
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I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
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As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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