I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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