i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
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Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
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It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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