Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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