You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
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The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
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I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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