just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
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You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
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You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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