i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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