peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
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She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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