You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
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I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
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Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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