please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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