please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
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He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
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a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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