So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
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literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
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I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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