she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
her facebook's as public as her vagina
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He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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