I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
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i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
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You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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