1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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