I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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