You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
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if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
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Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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