I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
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I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
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I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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