i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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