It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
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she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
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And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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