She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
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So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
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Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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