turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
he just fucked me for my cheese.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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