brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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