I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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