i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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