a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
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Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
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I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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