I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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