It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
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