Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
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i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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