Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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