yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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