did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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