I smell stomach acid.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
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she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
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you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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