apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
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I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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