this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
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She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
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He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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