My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
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I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
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It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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