you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He passed out mid-signature
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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