yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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