I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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