Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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