he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Every concussion has its silver lining
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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