On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
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we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
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Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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